More than Surviving

It was one of those moments that I will probably always remember. Kevin and I were slowly walking down the hall to our hotel room feeling exhausted and defeated, watching Lincoln run full speed (& loudly) down the long corridor (although he's been told numerous times to walk quietly) and the girls are somehow simultaneously racing and arguing over who's turn it is to open the hotel room (much like they had moments ago argued over who's turn it was to push the elevator buttons). I look up to him and ask "Are we going to survive parenthood?" He offered no overwhelming assurances at the moment, because it was in that pure exhaustion that he could offer me no promises. The point is I know we will. I know that these years will "fly by" just like everyone who has experienced them warns us. They encourage us to enjoy them while they're little, to love every moment because before we know it, they'll be all grown up. But if I'm to be honest- there are days it is really hard to live in light of that wisdom.

For the last month Lincoln has been going to speech therapy 1 to 2 times a week. I have to admit, the first session I sat in silence and asked myself "really, this is what I'm paying for?" You see, all he honestly does is play. But as the sessions have gone on, I'm noticing that everything is very intentional and purposeful. As she plays with him, she is constantly repeating a word or sound. She rarely asks Lincoln to mimic it, but rather just keeps on playing making sounds. Soon enough my son, who always very stubbornly, adamantly and emphatically typically responds with an "uh-UH!" when asked to repeat a word, slowly starts to imitate her. This got me thinking about parenting. Do I parent my kids in the same way I normally play with Lincoln- just doing it, going through the motions, or do I parent with intent and purpose?

Are you seeing the link? I don't want to just "survive" parenting, (I want to enjoy it!) and I want my kid's lives to show intent and purpose. This is good to say and all, but living it out takes more work, more effort. It's not just discipling the issue, but getting at the heart. It's about taking the time to figure out what's at the source, and how to treat that- not just the surface. It's about working on my own walk with the Lord. Ephesians 5:1 challenges, "Be imitators of God, as beloved children." I need to work on this so that I can say like Paul in 1 Corinthians 4:16 "Therefore I exhort you, be imitators of me." My kids will imitate me- that's a given- but what will they imitate? Will it be my lack of self-control, my tendency to be quick to frustration, or will it be patience, kindness, a controlled tongue? Because most days the first 2 are what they see more of. You see, I'm currently knee-deep in the trenches of motherhood (somedays completely over my head!). Even as I write this, I'm sitting next to Rylin who has the flu and couldn't go to the Fall Festival. She interrupts me every 20 seconds with a completely unimportant question and she has apparently successfully caused me to "smell like throw-up" as Kacia mentioned to me when she hugged me goodbye. This is my life right now, I'm never alone (not even in the bathroom), it's never quiet, and I feel like every word I say falls on deaf ears. I have a daughter who is passionate and a bit type A. If a book she has read numerous times somehow gets a tiny rip in the spine- it's the end of the world! I don't know how to handle the overwhelming drama. She shares some of my struggles and is quick to anger and wears it on her face. I don't know how to respond to that. I have another daughter who's enthusiasm for life is incredible and totally exhausting! She currently has a tremendous fear of being alone and frantically calls out my name if she can't see me. If I'm in the laundry room and don't hear the first set of calls, she comes running down the hallway in sheer panic, tears in her eyes, looking for me. I've told her over and over again that I will not leave the house, but I need to be able to roam our home without informing her of my every move. I don't know what to do with that fear. And then I have a two old with limited speech but unlimited energy. And he's potty-training. This one doesn't need much more explanation. You see, most days, I look to the clock to see how much longer until bedtime. I look to the clock for relief rather than the Word. If I'm going to parent in a way that gets to their hearts- I've got to work on mine! I want to end each day knowing I showed my kids that I love them by intentionally parenting them rather than just "making" it to 7:30. I will survive, but the question is- will I take the time and effort to do more?